It seems such a short time ago that we were desperately impressed by whizzo 3D graphics. Now the bloody things are everywhere, and increasingly being used as shorthand for “We’re not sure how to do this better, so here are some shiny effects instead.” Most irritating of all are those instances where the CG is entirely pointless or overused, to the extent that you just want to throw something/someone at the screen. Instances such as these…

Just about every TV news programme ever, everywhere

In 1994, when TV news parody The Day Today sported 3D reconstructions of stunt space shuttle missions, we all snickered. We’re not laughing now as nightly ‘news’ bulletins feel the need to break out the 21st century equivalent of a Quantel Paintbox to illustrate, or rather unnecessarily confuse, the simplest of concepts or events. “Look, here’s the economy, it’s like a train. Oh look, the train has crashed. Look at the pretty colours! DO YOU GET IT YET, YOU SIMPERING IMBECILES? DO YOU?”

Star Wars trilogy Special Editions

Woody Allen has said he never rewatches his films once they’re finished. If only George Lucas could take the hint… Lucas’ pillage of his once-treasured heritage saw the addition of incongruous, unnecessary and (infamously) plot-changing CG, to the betterment of nothing much and the baffled rage of countless fanboys. And that was only the beginning…

The monster-things in I Am Legend

“No Will, don’t go in the scary building where the scary monster-things live! We’re too scared! The entire film has been building up to this point and we’re not sure we can bear seeing them… aaargh, there they are and – Hang on. That’s IT? THAT’S what you were so worried about? Some pasty blokes who look a bit wobbly?” Sometimes a man in a monster suit is all it takes, Francis Lawrence.

Most of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

According to Wikipedia, “Steven Spielberg stated before production began that very few CGI effects would be used, to maintain consistency with the other films,” which just goes to show you can’t always trust Wikipedia. Or Spielberg. As if the ridiculous plot and fight scenes weren’t enough, the addition of irritating CG monkeys, an entire warehouse, and those useless ants tipped Indy 4 into the “Sod it, we’ll do it in post-prod” category of laziness.

The Children of Men baby sequence

Another candidate for the monster suit idea – or in this case, a real baby. Y’know, like the ones that have used in countless other films and TV programmes when the appearance of, well, a baby is called for. Children of Men’s subtle use of CG is so fab elsewhere, it’s an utter mystery why director Alfonso Cuarón opted for a fake babber in that climactic final sequence. We wouldn’t care, except that instead of blubbing cathartic tears, you’re more likely to be wondering why the saviour of mankind looks so bloody odd.

The World of Warcraft intro movie

World of Warcraft! Brilliant! You can be a Night Elf and everything! Ooh I’m so excited, the game’s loading and there’s this fantastic, epically sweeping CG movie with stirring fighting scenes and tons of atmosphere and incredible fur effects and the game starts and… now I appear I to be in the equivalent of a 3D chatroom from 1997. What relevance, exactly, did all that guff have to do with this cartoony ROFL-fest? I want my money back. lol N00B

Xbox 360 avatars/PlayStation 3 Home

In a desperate attempt to emulate some of Nintendo’s box-shifting Mii gimmickry, both Microsoft and Sony came up with new ways to make accessing and playing your actual games even more of a chore. In the case of the Xbox 360, it’s in the form of a 3D avatar which is supposed to look like you but actually looks like all the other avatars and which basically sits around on the dashboard doing bugger all. For Sony, it’s a 3D chatroom world in which you can wander around and sexually harass any female avatars within range. Nice try, folks.

Election night TV specials

We’re not sure how it works outside the UK, but over here the graphical stops are really pulled out for those 12-hour election specials in which presenters desperately attempt to make the process of numbers slowly rising appear to be interesting. These generally devolve into some bizarre virtual reality/disaster movie hybrid, incorporating ever more tenuous visual metaphors and references until finally the results from Wirral South somehow result in the destruction of downtown Manhattan.

Ed Ricketts