Inspired by Autodesk’s new Design edition of 3ds Max, Mental Roy will personally visit every reader of his column next month. Please be available between the hours of 7am and 6pm as unfortunately it is not possible to guarantee a specific time

Last time I checked, it was 2008, unless you live in an Assyrian country, where it’s just coming up to 6758. (In which case, presumably you’re a pure thoughtform living in a megatropolis composed entirely of aural vibrations, and will celebrate the new year by radiating quietly. Well done you.) Autodesk, however, seems to think 2008 is so last year, because its new version of 3ds Max is called 3ds Max 2009. If you’re a marketing drone, this presumably makes perfect sense, and imbues a sense of aspirational forward-looking value expectancies, or something, but normal people, it’s just profoundly irritating. Stop now, you branding clowns.

But the real point here is the new version of 3ds Max Autodesk has introduced along with the regular, oh-so-futuristic one. 3ds Max 2009 Design is “an optimised user experience for architects, designers, engineers and visualisation specialists”, according to the company’s helpful FAQ. Having perused this document long and hard, I can now unexclusively reveal a few of the vital optimisations lovingly crafted into this user experience:

1. The UI and default settings are different.
2. There’s a thing for analysing sunlight and skylight.
3. The tutorials are different.
4. That’s about it.

Can I hear a whoop from the marketing department? Why, I think it’s lovely that Autodesk is finally catering for exceptionally idle architects, designers, engineers and visualisation specialists who just don’t have the precious seconds to fiddle about with the UI or scroll to the right bit of the tutorials, I really do. But this is just the beginning, surely. This bold step from Autodesk could, nay should, revolutionise the whole 3D software industry.

For starters, let’s have truly personalised editions, like those little nameplates you can buy for children’s bedroom doors. I would like my new 3ds Max 2009 Mental Roy Edition to greet me with a cheery “Hello Roy!” every time I boot up, and perhaps periodically compliment me while I’m working: “Is that a new haircut? Looks good, Roy.” And none of your speech-synthesised rubbish either. I want every sound file individually recorded by a top Hollywood voiceover artist. Or Stephen Hawking.

Let’s not forget those vertical markets too. Obviously I’m no marketing man – if I was, I wouldn’t be sitting around writing this: I’d be weeping inconsolably and punching myself in the face very hard in a traumatic act of atonement for all the pointless misery I had inflicted on the world. But I do have a few ideas for new versions. Thus: Bicycle Repair Man Edition. Can Roll My Tongue Edition. Born On The Outskirts Of Rotherham Edition. Flirts Badly When Drunk Edition. Used To Be Cynical But Has Lightened Up Somewhat In Recent Years Edition. Looks A Bit Like Johnny Depp Edition.

You see, it’s 2008, people. (It is, I just checked again.) The general public, even those in the 3D industry, demand personalisation. No one cares about new features or rendering speed or bugfixes any more – get real, granddad! What we really want is access to Facebook embedded in the Daylight Parameters rollout. And maybe a snappy new box. God bless those marketing people.

(Originally published May 2008)